brouhaha @ office

It's Friday. Which means, people around the office are either much nicer because the weekend's a mere sniff away, or downright meaner since the weekend's still not here yet.

This morning, while negotiating with my eyelids to please, please stay open, a senior-ranking colleague came stomping in my direction. Thankfully, it wasn't me she was pissed off at but the new dude in the next cubicle.

Apparently, she overheard the latter's conversation with the IT guys, and was enraged at how impolite (F word and all) it was.

Senior Colleague: You new people have no right to speak in such fashion, much less use swear words!

New Dude: Hey, I wasn't cursing at the IT person, but at the situation!

Senior Colleague: It doesn't matter. Why must you be so rude about it?

New Dude: What is up with you people in this company? Why is everyone here so uptight?

Big mistake.

Senior Colleague: Well, excuse us, but we have values here!

New Dude: Who are you to talk like this to me?

BIGGER mistake. She's only the deputy head of one of the departments, and has served this company for God-knows-how-long.

I say, God speed, New Dude.

I also say, I ought shake hands with the new dude. Because thanks to him, my eyelids became scared shitless, and refused to misbehave anymore. Well, not until after lunch, anyways.

Anywho, if you found my war-in-the-office tale inspiring, then have I got some goodies in store for you below. Enjoy. But don't you dare for a second think that these great stuff were written by me (though I sure wish that I did come up with some of 'em!).

Creative Comebacks For The Workplace

1. Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and simplistic world-view.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

4. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?

5. I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.

6. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

7. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

8. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

9. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

10. How about never? Is never good for you?

11. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

12. You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.

13. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

14. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

15. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

And my favourites...

16. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

17. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

18. You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.

19. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

20. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

Happy picking that fight :)